


if you love him, let him go

by sunset_oasis



Series: Innocent Before Yesterday [22]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Canon Compliant, F/M, M/M, Unrequited Crush
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-30
Updated: 2017-09-30
Packaged: 2019-01-07 04:23:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12225684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunset_oasis/pseuds/sunset_oasis
Summary: He never understood what that familiar ache in his heart meant, until it was too late.But maybe, it had always been too late anyway.





	if you love him, let him go

**Author's Note:**

> disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter

 

They met during summer.

Tobias took Severus to some other town to visit his side of family. Severus hadn't wanted to go – he'd rather stayed home and brew potions with his mum – but eventually relented. The sun was shining bright that day, the hot air seemed to shimmer before his eyes. The heat hit across his face mercilessly as Severus walked off the muggle train compartment and onto the platform.

That was when Severus saw him.

He recognized the fair blond hair and gentle blue eyes even without the Hufflepuff robes. Even if they hadn't spoken before, even if Severus had never really paid much attention to the muggleborn Hufflepuff before, somehow he recognized Ted Tonks immediately.

He stared a bit, unable to take his eyes off for some reason. Ted Tonks turned and met his gaze, and gave Severus a smile that made Severus confused. Why would Tonks smiled at him? Why would  _anyone_  smile at him, at all? Nobody ever did. Well, nobody aside from Lily. Severus managed a weak smile back, feeling uncomfortable and awkward.

Confusion flooded his head, and he didn't like the feeling. He liked knowing answers, he liked things to be precise, to be clear cut, to be accurate. Ted Tonks confused him, and he didn't like that.

 

* * *

 

They met again, this time on the Hogwarts Express. Lily went to find some of the Gryffindor girls, and Severus was left alone in his compartment. When the door opened, he tensed for a minute, and relaxed when he saw it wasn't Potter and Co.

The relaxed feeling turned into confusion when he saw Ted Tonks again.

"Could I sit here?" he asked politely.

Severus was about to refuse but changed his mind at the last second. "Sure."

 

* * *

 

They became friends, of some sort. It was a weird feeling, all things considered. To have someone – someone outside of his mother and Lily – actually seemed to genuinely care about him, it wasn't something he was used to.

Mulciber cornered him and questioned his friendship with, quoting Mulciber's words – "not just  _one_ , but  _two_  mudbloods". Avery and Rosier laughed unpleasantly behind him.

Narcissa sniffed in disdain as she walked past, Andromeda frowned, half-distrustful, half-curious.

"Am I causing problems for you?" Ted asked, earnestly. Always so considerate. So considerate that Severus was sure he didn't deserve it.

"No," Severus lied, because that was the least he could do in return. He felt pathetic. Felt that he didn't deserve this friendship, yet he was grasping onto it nonetheless, unable to help his selfishness.

 

* * *

 

When Ted first confessed to Severus his feelings for Andromeda, Severus immediately promised to help him with it. He finally felt a little more useful to his friend who was several years older than him. He finally felt like he could do something, that this friendship wasn't just another one-sided kindness anymore.

Andromeda was contemptuous at first, pushing Ted away. Repeating the words she heard from her parents, thinking him unworthy of a girl from an Ancient and Noble House.

Severus wasn't sure how Ted slowly changed all that, slowly melted her, slowly made her warm up to him.  _But then again, he was Ted Tonks, who wouldn't be melted?_  Severus thought.

He covered for them as they began to meet secretly, happy for his friend to find someone he loved. He didn't yet know what the slightly aching in his heart meant, but he ignored it anyway. He didn't notice his eyes lingered on Ted with some sort of longing, some sort of hidden jealousy, some sort of pain – he was too busy staring at something that he didn't yet realized he wanted.

 

* * *

 

What made Severus felt worse than Lily's unforgiving attitude was how quickly Ted forgave him, even though Severus could see Ted was visibly hurt. It was way more than he ever deserved, and he didn't know why Ted was doing it.

Just like he had years ago, Ted Tonks confused the hell out of Severus.

"I'm sorry," he said, desperate, even after Ted said it was fine because Severus doubted  _anything_  was fine. "I'm sorry, I was angry, I lashed out, I just wanted to hurt someone at that moment –" _and I knew it would hurt_ , he thought in anguish, something he left unspoken.  _I didn't meant to hurt_ you _but I did_.

"It's okay," Ted said quietly, calmly, and Severus thought that  _no_   _it wasn't okay at all_.

Whether he was being understanding and forgiving, to Severus, who knew fully well he didn't deserve the forgiveness, or he was just being too used to the word that was meant as an insult that he didn't care anymore – neither of those were okay.

_Nothing_  was okay.

"I've heard Andromeda used it too," he said, lightly, like it was nothing. "A few years back."

And Severus felt the need to explain that it was different. That Andromeda was a  _Black_ , that it was how she'd been brought up with, that she'd literally never knew of another term for muggleborns before Hogwarts. That was it was just a word for her. Unlike Severus, who he knew he'd meant to hurt, who knew that after the humiliation from Potter and Black that he only wanted to lash about –

He felt the need to explain, because Ted and Andromeda deserved to be together. Ted deserved someone like Andromeda Black, who'd grown up in a traditional pureblooded bigot family and yet still changed so much for him. Not Severus, who was always struggling with his own muggle heritage from his father, who was ultimately someone he didn't want himself to become, who lashed out and wanted to hurt people after he was hurt – so, so,  _so_ unlike the ever so understanding and forgiving Ted.

He rushed out his explanation for Andromeda, willing Ted to see what he was saying. He felt it was important for Ted to understand, because they deserved to be together, because Ted deserved happiness.

Because if anyone deserved happiness, it would be Ted Tonks.

 

* * *

 

Ted listened to his rushed, rambling explanation intently and told him softly that he understood. That he wouldn't hold Andromeda's upbringing against her. And that probably wasn't surprising at all because now he thought of it, of  _course_  Ted would understand. After all, Severus never really met someone so understanding.

Relief spread through him that his friend's love life remained well. However, beneath the relief, he felt the same kind of ache he'd felt when he was covering for the two to date. He hadn't understood the ache then, and he didn't understand it now.

He thought that he probably never would.

 

* * *

 

Severus stood by the wall, gazing at the crowds from uncomfortably. Luckily, there weren't much of his fellow Slytherins here, so he wouldn't have to explain to them why he was here. But Andromeda's annoying cousin Sirius Black was, and had been throwing suspicious glances at Severus since the beginning of the wedding.

Actually, scratch the no Slytherin questioning. Severus grimaced as he saw Rita Skeeter, the newest addition to Daily Prophet and also a classmate of Andromeda, was talking excitedly while walking around with a notebook in her hand. Beside Skeeter was Gabriella Zabini, who flung an arm lazily across the journalist's shoulders, ignoring the glances from half the men in the ball room.

Severus carefully edged away from the pair, and finally found a way to Ted. Ted, dressed in wedding robes, his face shining with happiness. Severus looked at Ted's besotted, happy, perfectly contented look, and suddenly felt the wave of familiar ache nearly swallowing him whole.

And he realized, painfully, that he might finally understand what that ache meant.

**Author's Note:**

> find me on [tumblr](http://ff-sunset-oasis.tumblr.com)


End file.
